Losing our dreams...what is it that causes the pain...?

Meeting colleagues of yonder years from a time that was filled with exuberant joy is always a time of reflection for me. When we are brutally honest with ourselves it is always going to be disappointing to have given your all to any goal in life that is taken away, not because you were not capable or deserving of it, but due to some cold decision outside of your corpus by someone and some body that knows nothing of your heart and dreams and desires for yourself in this world. In my case it was an independent body that signs checks for grants you slaved day and night over, writing them until the wee hours and in the wee hours. Steam, rising stealthily from that keyboard as you type furiously to get just one of them. And still the stamp of “not quite what we wanted” makes the dream disappear into a puff of smoke before your eyes. And you cry inside as your heart breaks. But you smile to the outside world. Because that is what professionals do!

This was certainly my experience in May 2011, sharp on the heels of a divorce ten days earlier and now half time with my beautiful daughter as her life gets split between two homes. Never something I wanted for her or for myself. And I thought that was the worst pain I could imagine. It still is so hard for me to watch her wrestle with the day-to-day of two homes, moving into middle school and navigating parents who struggle to remain civil, yet try nonetheless. She and I talk through it all and I hope that is enough to help her navigate adult life when her time comes. But for today we just need to get the volcano project completed for school.

As most of you who know me, I'm the eternal optimist, so more was to be delivered to really help me see what matters in life. Cancer came a knocking! And not a small kind but one if not carefully navigated could result in me never seeing my daughter on this side of the grave. But now what was I to do? I was in a new position helping a new professor get started while receiving chemotherapy, radiation, navigating hair loss and half time full time parenting my daughter who was only three. How was this even humanly possible! The guilt at work of not being able to give my full self, yet needing a salary to pay my health bills, a pile that got taller with every mail delivery. The sadness, the pain, the heartbreak of loss on so many levels was real. To this day I know the only thing I got out of bed for each and everyday was my daughter and I thank God everyday that he allowed me to have this little angel on this earth before all options for more births were removed with the other organs that might try to kill me in the future. The friends from DU who sat by my side during infusions will always hold a cherished spot in my heart. The friends who got me a cleaner for my home, and meals for my daughter and I, and those who came to play with her so that she might know some joy and love in the midst of the craziness. This is what she remembers. The friend who took my bills and made sure the insurance company was getting what they were owed, but not more. The books I read with my daughter in my infusion chair as caustic drugs coursed my veins and I tried to distract us both. The nurses who cried with sadness at my diagnosis. And with joy as those drugs did their job. Grateful for you all and for it all in some strange way.

It was an excruciating long number of years. But it makes me ponder. Was it the loss of that position, that health, that life I had so carefully planned and envisioned that brought the pain? Or was it the lack of ability to change decisions that were outside my control that was the excruciating part? Painful no matter which way you slice it. Working hard, and not achieving goals, this sends most of us into a tizzy and to the land of dismay and pondering. And some to the edge! What could we have done to change the fork in that road? What could have been different about our path that would have made it less painful and less difficult? Could we have chosen one more traveled and open than the one with all the bushes and brambles? But hey that was the one others feared so it’s so much more fun to travel and conquer!

For the eternal optimist life had to throw me all of these curve balls at once to get my attention. I have tried to be less hardy so maybe it won’t feel it needs to go to this level a second time. But now I want joy and exuberance and that feeling of infallibility and exuberance again. This is now my daily quest. Giving myself permission and allowing myself to feel joy again are major daily feats. Letting go of all that could and should and would have been. Perspective is certainly everything!

Thank you for chatting DU colleagues of old. As much as I hesitate to put myself into environments that may make me relive painful losses and face my true feelings about them, I needed this reflective time. And for this I am grateful.